Hey, long time no talk! I randomly feel like posting an update. Like a diary entry, but....safe to read for the public? Like my YouTube vlogs, but I get to proofread and maybe go more in depth. Plus, in writing I can be a bit more...clear maybe? Say things the way I do in my mind. My inner monologue.
Anyway, I have been home from work for a few hours now, 2 glasses of wine in, listening to my huge playlist on shuffle, finished my nightly workout, and it's the calm before the storm work-wise. Not in a bad way though, my job is amazing chaos. Everyday I don't know what to expect and it's great. My schedule changes every year and I know Tokyo's trains better than my Tokyo born-and-raised love because of it. I probably can't go into detail about this fun encounter, but today I taught someone famous even got called cute by her, and it was all just a spur of the moment, "Hey Gretchen, can you help with this??"
Of course another dream I've been living in my Japan adventures is the chance to experience the Tokyo underground music scene through the Motegi Smith Band as their photographer/videographer/translator/biggest fan XD Well, not so much lately because of well....you know.
I've made friends. True beautiful, amazing people that make me feel like I've found my family and home. Many of them through my work but also through fashion, vlogging, swing dancing, and photography. Basically, I followed my dreams, whether or not they made sense, did whatever I wanted to rather than what anyone else wanted me to do or what made money or was what society expected, and I've found true happiness.
I've reconnected a lot lately. I had a zoom meeting with some of my good WV swing dance friends a few weeks ago after not seeing them....well, since I'd left the US! It was really nice, I'd missed them more than I even realized. The night before, I'd met with Mo and her crew for a zoom play reading with another amazing group I connected to thanks to swing dancing (but not lately, God, I miss swing T_T). I've been keeping fairly constant random messages up with my sister, and she might even visit someday! I'd love to show her my world now. She deserves so much to see even more. I want her to experience as much as possible. And then the weirdest one....I have been in contact with my dad recently. I hadn't spoken with him for many years. I haven't seen him in more than 10. If circumstances had been different, I'm sure I would have been a "daddy's girl". I think I'm old enough where I'm not particularly hopeful, enough time has passed, and maybe we can get to know each other as the humans we truly are. As friends I guess, not as family. Family bonds, I guess from my experience, don't matter so much to me. I want to learn who you are and get to know you as a person. Sometimes friends, significant others, can be more of a family. It needs to be earned, not just because of your blood. For me anyway. I wouldn't have it any other way though. I've learned a lot through having a....not so easy past or childhood. I don't regret or wish to change any of it though. I don't regret things. They happen because they needed to, and I learned or grew, even from the bad or "wrong" choices.
I don't even know who or what I'd be if I went back to America anymore. I couldn't eat yaki imo. I don't know what job I'd do. I didn't think I'd actually work in theatre (in any country) but I do here and I love it. I always was drawn to the stage, even though we have a love/hate relationship (helloooooo extreme stage fright and imposter syndrome), but actually the stage fright has FINALLY weakened after facing this fear my whole life. I belong here in Tokyo and at my workplace more than I'd ever felt like I belonged anywhere. Not to say that I don’t ever experience homesickness...but I know that it’s not really that. I sometimes miss what it was like with my specific chosen family of that time all together, but it wouldn’t ever be like that again. They are all scattered around on their own adventures, and home isn’t really just a geographic location, it’s the memories and the people you created them with. I have homes in Kumagaya, Nagoya, Morgantown, Wheeling, and Tokyo. But even still, I get pangs of feeling out of place. Nowhere near like I used to though. But it happens. It did today.
I've gotten into reading again. My guilty pleasure, don't make fun of me, but.....well, right now I'm rereading/continuing what I didn't yet read of Vampire Diaries XD Maybe that's why I wanna write this blog post though? Reading Anne Frank's Diary for school (and my awful memory, probably due in part to my brain trying to forget my childhood trauma) is what started me writing a diary, then blogging, all the way to now, vlogging. I also reread some of the YA Fiction I was really into in high school.
Anyway, tomorrow I'm going to lead an important meeting and get ready for a big Sunday event that I'm also leading and gonna be spending quite a bit of time onstage for! I never thought I'd be here, or even want to be, but here I am and I'm proud of me! I've got a lot more to learn still. But I've made it so much farther than I'd even imagined I would or could.
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